Sometimes when i'm hurting, i will think of you and wonder how come you could be so selfish to only think of yourself and get sucked into this little whirlpool of yours.

Yet again, you could be right that maybe some people will experience solitude for a long period of time, even when they've met their spouse. I love and cherish my friends. They are the ones that keep me going and so ever graciously understanding my difficulties. I try not to impose on them too often. I mean, sometimes there are experiences which only you can bear. But i'm willing to trust these precious few of mine and walk down this arduous journey. I swear to myself that i will never hurt them and repay them in the future when they need me. Regardless of whether they choose to further their studies abroad, i'll always be there for them. Always.

There is not one day since i-don't-know-when where i will shed some tears. It varies, in accordance to my surroundings. I pray to God to be merciful and spare us all, i pray for the pain to go away. I'm almost in the danger of forming this metal shield around me and preventing others from seeing the vulnerable side of me. Like how a friend once said, "i can be perfect pessimist to myself, but i'm so optimistic when it comes to helping others alleviate their woes and worries". haha, the irony of it all, isn't it?

And ho boy, how much my style of blogging has evolved over these few months. Initially, my blog (according to me, personally), lacked of the artsy-bombastic words of expression/deep intellectual discussion about politics/life. My style was the plain o narrative (figures as to why my essays are constantly bombarded with red squiggly lines "NARRATIVE! YOU HAVE TO STOP BEING NARRATIVE AND PUT FORTH YOUR POINT") GRAH, i'm so sick of seeing those comments. I swear that i will reduce those by 95% when i sit for my prelims. But anyways, back to the topic, i thought that even though my blog posts lacked of "substance", i did contain another form of substance-the every nitty, gritty detail of my life. I could even memorise the witty comments of my classmates and the expression that was set on their faces. Oh i even blogged about (ok, i wrote those in my diary) the craziest/wackiest dreams i've had. For example, i dreamt that i was yunho's girlfriend (hey, no judging pls), and i dreamed that i was someone else's wife and he was very endearing. NOT ALL MY DREAMS REVOLVE AROUND GUYS OK. it's just that i can't put my finger to those other dreams.

Nowadays, i hardly visit this place and when i do, i only post photos of what has happened in my life recently. It's quite sad to see myself like that. People change, yes. But sometimes, that old simple you just stays. Maybe i'll be back to my usual self when everything ends (actually, it never ends). I'm still the same person, maybe i choose to speak less or to emote less. But i still treasure interpersonal relationships and have a strong sense of moral integrity.

I don't want to make excuses for myself, neither do i want to let my friend's efforts in involving me in their study groups go to waste. After all, i'm still a student and i could only say that i have more than i can handle on my plate. I'm balancing it precariously and i really do not wish to spill the contents ><

JR, you can pull through this. Even though you explicitly say you wanna quit life/forget about school, you know that you're only saying it in spite. You seem to be angry at God, but you fear him. And you fear the consequences of 'letting' go. So don't. Just press on. Be grateful of what God has given you and make do with whatever. You are not a quiter, nor a whinner. You are a champion, a cedarian-honestly, perseverance, courtesy. Live by that and don't give up!