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Friday, March 19, 2010

i feel like a horrible daughter. I feel like doing so much for him, yet i can't bring myself to say that I CARE. It's all bottled up, my feelings, i don't know what to do. My close friends tell me to "GO!" but it feels so difficult for me to do so. "DON'T REGRET IT", they say. I know i will regret it. I am still living in denial. How foolish am i? It's gonna happen someday, it's just a matter time and the pain i will have to go through.
I refuse to let it get to me, yet my inner self accuses the other half of being indifferent and nonchalent at the state things are today. Part of me is selfish. It's all about me and how i am going to reach my goal without letting this affect me. I feel like a pretentious bitch. I feel rotten. I feel lost.
I want him close by my side, yet i do not wish to let him see how i really care. What is wrong with me? This selfishness and pride, is it going to take me anywhere? Everyday when i go home, the atmosphere is tense and dreary. Laundry piling up, ironing, sweeping, washing the dishes. My mom does all of it, and i just help out. But i'm complaining in the bottom of my heart. I'm just a spoilt girl, aren't i? Why can't i just do it willingly? Because i keep comparing why am i in this state when the rest of my friends, at the age of 16, are enjoying life and not having to care about this shit?
I keep asking why and feeling resentful. The other half is asking me to just go with the flow. I can't reverse time. What could have been done would have been done. I tell myself to be more benevolent, do things willingly. BUT COME ON, at night, i lie on the bed, thinking to myself on how i'm trying to portray this KIND and UNDERSTANDING image of me in SCHOOL and in front of EVERYONE.
I'm hideous.

One day, i hope that this demon leaves me. And one day, i hope all the pain and suffering will ease. i can't keep you by my side, i know. I just want you to stop feeling pain, stop making all of us feel pain. it's nobody's fault. But maybe, at my age, i do not understand. I'm really sorry and please forgive me.




3:32 AM